Before we start this week’s totally useless–but utterly delicious–gossipfest, I must share what I believe to be fairly important information: Lynne Spears, mama to daughter dearest Britney (in case you’ve been hiding under a rock the size of Mrs. Kevin Federline’s Taco Bell drink collection), is said to be unhappy about the fact that she no longer pens “Lynne’s Corner” for her famous offspring’s Website. You don’t say.

Camp Spears hasn’t returned my phone calls since Britney fit into her infamous tube tops, so I’m not expecting anything here, either. But a gossip hound can hope!

Britney, according to her Website (which I have bookmarked next to–after all, if the Britster can, why can’t everybody else?), will now be communicating with her fans directly, channelling motherly words of wisdom no more. Clearly!

“There was a falling out. They haven’t exactly been seeing eye to eye,” sniffed a Spears source with knowledge of all things Louisianan and low-key-lacking. “Lynne made it through the first marriage [to Jason Allen Alexander] kicking and screaming, but she made it. This Kevin guy’s a different story. It has made things tense.”

The Brady Bunch is more like it.
–Mama & TV star Roma Downey, when I asked the new g-f of wunderkind Mark Burnett (a dad himself) if she’d be into taking over Newlyweds from Nick & Jessica

No merde!

Hey, wonder if Ms. B. will tell us what the hell’s goin’ on with that wedding license? Could this lackluster legalese stuff have something to do with the fact that the entire Four Seasons on Hawaii’s Big Island has been reserved for a single party next week? After all, wasn’t that the original date of Ms. S.’ nuptials?

Well, I’m sure Britney will explain it all, as she promises to do in that “letter of girly talk,” or whatever it’s called, that she keeps dangling in front of her fans. Oops! I didn’t mean to imply Brit’s not sincere. She lives in Malibu now, right? And everybody who lives there is spiritual and serene.

Just like Demi’s wedding to Ashton–whenever the hell it happens–will be. Can hardly Kabbalah wait!

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