That Time When... Jamie Lynn Waved A Knife At Pita Pit

Hi, I’m Jordan’s brother Aaron. “That Time When” is a column where I make up stories about all of our favorite celebrities and the wacky antics they pull.

Jamie Lynn Spears paced back and forth in a dark alley behind the Pita Pit for several minutes working up her courage. She was scared, well nervous, but that excited kind of nervous she sometimes felt when when strangers recognized her or when her shaky fingers calmed the moment they gripped the hilt of a nice, sharp knife in a public restaurant. The wind howled. A car screeched in the distance. A gross cat meowed and knocked a trash can over. Fog was inexplicably everywhere.

“Ugh, come on, y’all,” she said to herself. “Pull it together, girl. U got this. Just stick to the plan and don’t let anything get in your way or let anyone tell u not 2 follow your dreams, y’all, because that’s all we really have and u just gotta believe in yourself.” Jamie Lynn Spears slowed her breathing, put on adorable heart-shaped sunglasses, cracked her knuckles and her neck, then slowly walked out of the alley. She froze for a moment, said a little prayer to Our Lord sweet baby Jesus, and opened the door to the Pita Pit.

That Time When... Jamie Lynn Waved A Knife At Pita Pit

“Hi, we’re just about to close so if y– Oh. It’s you.” The teenage clerk was shocked to see Jamie Lynn Spears back in the sandwich shop where she managed to stop a frat-bro brawl just days before. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

She lowered her sunglasses then slowly pushed them back up for dramatic effect which she learned at The Nickelodeon Acting Institute For The Gifted And/Or Emotionally Stunted Ticking Timebombs. This kid wouldn’t respect the Meisner technique she had all but perfected, but she figured if she laid it on thick enough she’d still get her point across. Jamie Lynn meant business.

“I want a job, y’all.”

“A job? Here? I don’t… I’m not sure we have anyth–”

“Security,” she said and slammed a butcher knife on the counter. She loudly chewed six sticks of gum.

The clerk wanted to laugh in her face but was also totally ready to **** his pants so he sort of just stared at the knife and then back at her and then back at the knife. Jamie Lynn put the knife back into her Burberry trench coat then put a Louis Vuitton toothpick in her mouth as she cased the joint.

“Look, kid, I’m gonna make this reeeeeeeal easy on y’all. Your customers are violent, hate-filled agents of chaos and obviously you can’t control them. You think they’re in here looking for cold CUTS but REALLY all they’re looking for is someone to get cold COCKED.” She lowered her heart-shaped sunglasses again and whispered, “You need protection.”

“Um, I don’t know. I’ve worked here for like two years and that was the first time I ever saw anyone argue let alone get in a fight.”

Jamie Lynn smiled an impossible smile. Her perfect teeth glimmered in the fluorescent light and her hair shined brighter than a thousand suns. She moved the toothpick from the left to right corner of her mouth then spit it in the clerk’s face. She slowly leaned over the counter to grab a handful of sliced ham and began chomping, never breaking eye contact. Then she stuck her middle finger in the mayonnaise and sucked it dry. As she shook her head and chuckled to herself Jamie Lynn grabbed the stupid, confused clerk by his dumb, gross apron and wiped away a glob of mayonnaise from the corner of her mouth before pulling him an inch away from her face.

“Now, when I said you needed protection, y’all, I don’t think you quite understood me. Get the picture?”

The Pita Pit clerk finally understood after what had to be four or five minutes of silence and blank stares. She didn’t mean that she was going to protect him. Nope. Quite the opposite. She meant, the clerk deduced, that if she didn’t get this job he would need protection from her. It became clear Jamie Lynn Spears’ thirst for blood would be quenched one way or another. Either she was going to hang around Pita Pit all the time with a knife waiting on some sort of scuffle to erupt or she was going to gut the poor idiot clerk right then and there. His decision was easy.

“Look, I guess you can probably be the security guard here, not that I have any say in that whatsoever because clearly I’m just some kid who works the late shift at a Pita Pit and don’t have anything close to the type of authority needed to make employment decisions, but honestly it’s really pretty boring here most of the time.”

That Time When... Jamie Lynn Waved A Knife At Pita Pit

Jamie Lynn softly tapped the knife inside her coat and winked forty times. “I’ll be the judge, AND jury, AND executioner of that!” she practically screamed.

Payment was not an issue, Jamie Lynn explained to this moron city slicker clerk who must have some sort of death wish. She had plenty of money already from her very successful acting and singing careers that made her famous all on her own. Besides, a paper trail would surely get noticed and she did not want a certain sister to find out about her new gig because she’d never hear the end of how she would never get a big, fancy Las Vegas residency if she wasted all her days getting teenage pregnant and all her nights trying to slaughter everyone at the Pita Pit to nourish an insatiable bloodlust. But that didn’t matter to her. Not with her new life as the lone lethal enforcer at the Hammond, Louisiana Pita Pit. She’d think of some sort of explanation to tell her family about why she had to go to Pita Pit basically all day every day. She was good on her feet like that. Maybe she was there doing research because a well known, big-time Hollywood filmmaker she’d IMDB later wanted her to star in a totally real movie as a sassy but charming young Southern darlin’ just gettin’ by, doin’ her thang, ya know, workin’ at Pita Pit like people do in actual life, y’all. The working title would be “TURKEY SANDWICH SATURDAY NIGHT” and she’d record the hit single “Luv Indigestion (Growing Up Is Hard 2 Do But U Gotta Do It, U Do U Girl)” for the soundtrack.

Just then, a crowd loud tweens walked in the Pita Pit. This is it. ******* go time.

The tweens’ laughter died down when they saw Jamie Lynn Spears. Did they recognize her? Of course they did. They must have. Probably from Seasons 8-9 of “All That.” I mean, they probably knew OF “Zoey 101” because who didn’t, right, so maybe that? Her work spoke volumes.

“Hey aren’t you, like, Britney Spears’ sister or whatever?”

The ensuing bloodbath would be talked about for generations to come.

Aaron Miller,