Madonna on ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – “I’m sorry, but no one eats p***y as much as the guy in that book.”

If you’ve been listening very carefully over the past few months, you’ll have heard a collective, gentle sigh of relief amongst Madonna fans. Even the most loyal Madonna stand would have found it difficult to defend 2012’s very mixed ‘MDNA’ and general consensus seems to be that ‘Rebel Heart’ represents a return to form for the “Express Yourself” diva.

It stands to reason then that her interviews would shed the chilly indifference and awkward apathy of the ‘MDNA’ era and that we’d see a more engaged and quick-witted Madge at the helm this time around. Her latest chat with Billboard magazine is no exception and we’ve curated the nine most ludicrous, controversial, insightful, touching, hilarious (delete as appropriate) things that Madonna had to say.

Check it out below the jump:

1. On “Holy Water”:

Madge cleared up once and for all that it’s “Yeezus loves my p***y best” (sorry Kim) and that “Jesus loves my p***y best,” would be a “whole different context.”

Well, indeed.

2. On her varied, amazing and often bizarre collaborations:

“I felt like a schoolmarm… I was the mistress walking around with the clipboard going, ‘Guys, can you please — can you guys come back in the room? Let’s just finish the song. What do you mean you’re going to a photo shoot? What do you mean you have to go to a red carpet event? Get off your phone! Will you stop tweeting? Wait, we haven’t finished!'”

What a visual.

3. On self-reference:

I reference many things in pop culture, and I’ve written so many songs and had such a long career, that I end up referencing myself, too. If I can rip anybody off, I can rip me off.

*****, she’s Madonna.

4. On Catholicism:

It’s the school I used to go to, and I can go back any time I want and take whatever I want from it because I suffered all the oppression, and all the abuse — and also enjoyed all the pomp and circumstance, the drama and the confusion and the hypocrisy and the craziness. I feel like I can say whatever I want and do whatever I want. I’ve been ex-communicated by the Catholic Church a few times. But I also feel like this new pope is kind of groovy, and I think we might be able to get together and have a chat about ***.

As a recovering Catholic, I endorse this message.

5. On ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’:

I’m sorry, but no one eats p—- as much as the guy in that book.

So we shouldn’t expect a last minute remix of “Erotica” for the soundtrack then?

6. On her kids listening to her music:

Lola is obsessed with “***** I’m Madonna” — that’s her favorite. She and Rocco like the Diplo tracks. Rocco is a huge fan of ’90s rap, so he likes “Veni Vidi Vici,” because he loves Nas. David is a guitar player and a singer himself, so he likes the more acoustic-style songs. He’s a real romantic.

Lola gets a D- for her terrible judgement but Rocco takes home a shiny A+ – “Veni Vidi Vici” slays.

7. On clubbing post 50:

I do go to clubs! I went to Ibiza with my daughter — it was like our last time together before she went off to college — and I was in several nightclubs with her, dancing, smashing into other people, everybody sweating all over me.

Imagine telling your friends you were going to Ibiza with your Mom. You may actually, literally physically combust from shame.

8. On Miley Cyrus:

I like her. She seems like she doesn’t care what people think. People are always telling her she’s dirty or crazy or trashy, and she doesn’t care. I love that about her. In her peer group, she stands out.

Sounds like someone else we know…

9. On still talking about ***:

I continue to express myself – my sexuality – in my 50s, even though that’s also considered taboo, and I get a lot of **** for it. But in 20 years, Miley Cyrus probably won’t get **** for it. Then, it’ll be like, “Oh, yeah, that’s nothing new.”

No one knows Madonna’s impact better than Madonna.

You can check out the full interview here, although we’ve essentially covered the salient points. Do check out Madonna forcing more reporters to play drinking games with her, and opening up about her Instagram addiction and binge watching ‘Game of Thrones.’

Alcohol, Instagram and ‘Game of Thrones’ – I always said Madonna and I would get on like a house on fire.