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Madonna is Using Grindr to Promote ‘Rebel Heart’

madonna grindr

Because of course.

In proof that no one is more acutely aware of her target audience than Madonna, the ****-flashing, bull-wrestling, ****-grabbing superstar will be chatting to five lucky fans on Grindr this Valentine’s day. Oh, but it gets better – curious how to enter this amazing yet deeply unsettling contest? By recreating M’s now infamous ‘Rebel Heart’ album cover and setting it as your profile picture.

BECAUSE OF COURSE.

Find out the full details and why you probably shouldn’t enter if you ever want to have *** again:

The gay hook-up (sorry, I mean networking) app announced this morning that they’d be offering some lucky Madonna fans the opportunity to chat with Madge herself on Grindr. All you have to do is cover your face with the black tape from the standard edition album artwork for ‘Rebel Heart’ (thank God it’s not the super-deluxe edition…), upload an image of your humiliation to your Grindr profile and then leave it for what could be as long as 24 hours (!!) whilst the winners are selected.

Now, it’s been a while since I’ve been on Grindr so you’ll have to bare with me, but this seems completely unfeasible. First of all, who shows their face on Grindr? As far as I remember the entirely depressing app, it was a sea of torsos and, um, other parts. But no faces. What are all the ‘str8’ and ‘discrete’ guys going to do??

And whilst we’re on the topic of the Grindr ‘str8s,’ (spoiler alert: they aren’t straight) think about what a blessing this is for them. No need to include those patronising and slightly self-loathing ‘no fems’ clauses anymore, you’ll be able to spot the camp guys a mile off, all covered in black tape and filtered into greyscale.

Also, let’s discuss the fact that – even as a huge Madonna fan – I couldn’t have *** with someone who had recreated the ‘Rebel Heart’ cover and then posted it on their damn Grindr. There are many Madonna moments that are **** – the shirtless men in “Express Yourself” were ****, the *** Book was ****, hell, even “Candy Shop” was weirdly **** (“My sugar is raw, sticky and sweet”) – distorting your face with electrical tape, not so ****. Plus, there’s something sort of sexually unappealing about any sort of standom – it’s like, the only thing I want you to care about that much is my [EDIT: we get it, thanks.]

As ludicrous as this idea is and as emphatically as I will not be taking part, you just have to laugh, because no one else would look at the world’s largest arena for gay casual *** and see an opportunity for promotion. No one except Madonna.

What do you think? Will you be taking to Grindr this Valentine’s day to hook up with Madge?

By Aaron

I've spent some time as a narcissist. Crazier than a box of rats & right about so many things it'd make your head spin.