July 4th turned out to be a real Independence Day for Jennifer Lopez, who announced that she is ending her nearly month-long marriage to B-list pop star Mark Anthony.
Lopez intimate and former Access Hollywood host Pat O’Brien said, “The relationship had become stifling. She’s still fond of Mark, but felt they had really done it all in these weeks.”
The final straw apparently came when they completed opening their wedding gifts. “Opening these gifts was such a great experience for them, they knew it could only go downhill from there,” reports Lopez’s shoe closet maid.
Lopez reportedly plans to try reading a book before embarking on her next relationship. “She’d seen Ben Affleck looking at books at an airport kiosk once, and the idea captivated her,” O’Brien explains.
But it may not be a very long book, as Lopez might have already set her sights on her next beau. According to O’Brien, the ample-bottomed temptress is infatuated with Britney Spears’ fiancé Kevin Federline. “She’s completely taken with his provocative moves and loves the fact that he’s a family man who is ready to make a commitment.”
Federline has fathered two children with former partner and alleged actress Shar Jackson. There have also been rumors that Federline impregnated Spears, and offered ***** to Melissa Etheridge and her partner should David Crosby’s ***** count drop.
News of the impending breakup has sent shockwaves through pop music’s skanky ***** community. Speaking at a New York City *** club that she attended with new companion and former Senate hopeful Jack Ryan, Christina Aguilera said, “It just proves how hard we must work to preserve the sanctity of our relationships.”
Aguilera was so distraught that she only engaged in what observers described as “mild kink” with three partners, leaving some to wonder if this is the end of an era. O’Brien isn’t so sure.
“I think this may be just what the pop ***** genre needs to shake it up. I have a feeling that Britney is going to abandon her good girl antics of simulated *** on stage for some really daring stuff.”