Christina Aguilera's Returning To The Voice

In between an extraordinarily busy schedule consisting mainly of usurping Gwen Stefani from her position as Queen of the Voice, enjoying *** for breakfast and verbally assaulting Micky Mouse, Christina Aguilera occasionally sings songs. Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re emphatically not, but then what do I know? Perhaps I’m not a true lover of music like Xtina.

One way or another, all sources (including the legend herself) say she’s hard at work on her next musical opus, and according to completely unfounded rumours it would seem the entire track list has leaked ahead of schedule, which is, undoubtedly, akin to **** – an act of artistic terrorism, if you will.

Check it out below:


Important things to note if we assume that the track list for the apparently-titled “Blonde” is true (which I would like to make very clear I do not):

1. “Latin version” For all the true hispanic lovers of music out there, I dare say. No extended dance mix of “Nobody Wants To Be Lonely?” though. Why, Legend X? Why dangle the dream and then ****** it away?

2. “Indie pop” Is that code for “left lane and artsy-fartsy”? ***** don’t.

3. “Stronger” You’re treading a dangerous path, Xtina.

3. (featuring Pharrell Williams) Well, naturally.

4. (featuring Iggy Azalea) WELL, NATURALLY.

5. (featuring Rihanna) Which actually might be happening! No, really – no sarcasm, they’re dinner pals now. Anonymous sources confirm that table topics included the complete and total destruction of Kelly Osbourne and proper *****-popping technique.

6. “Run” (featuring A Great Big World) Is this a coded message from A Great Big World? They want to run? They can’t. They’re being held hostage in a recording studio. This song is a cry for help. At this stage I honestly wouldn’t be surprised.

7. “People Like Us” A cover of Kelly Clarkson’s largely ignored but completely amazing 2012 single? A boy can dream.

8. “It’s Time” Ominous. Time for what? #justiceforBionic? #LOTUSPROMO? Christina to win an Emmy for her sure-to-be legendary ABC Family comedy about Britney Spears Vegas performers? Total world **********? No one is safe.

All jokes aside, whether this is a real leak or not (which, let’s face it, given the past month, it could easily be), I’m rooting for Christina this time around. It’s been an, erm… tough couple of eras for the “Beautiful” warbler, between the somewhat inexplicable anger surrounding her largely decent 2010 offering, “Bionic” and total indifference marring the campaign for 2012’s far more mediocre but seemingly less offensive “Lotus”. You’ve gotta give it to her though, when girl delivers, girl DELIVERS and hopefully this time around she’ll go back to basics (both metaphorically and literally – that album was amazing.)

Hopefully with the right guidance, and a bit less radio-pandering, she’ll be able to create something a little less ahead of it’s time, something that all of us – not just the true fans of music in our midsts – can appreciate.

What do you think? Real? Fake? You don’t care either way? Sound off in Exhale.