MALIBU – Britney Spears has fitted her husband Kevin Federline with a microchip, hoping to accomplish with technology what she couldn’t accomplish with ***, automobiles, or childbirth. The devicea transponder, actuallywas implanted between Mr. Federline’s shoulder blades recently.

“Thousands and thousands of husbands run off each year and are never returned to their homes because nobody knows where they belong,” said Ms. Spears. “Now that Kevin’s been microchipped, if anyone finds him rooting through their trash cans or peeing on their trees, all they have to do is take him to the nearest veterinarian and have him scanned to find out where he lives.”

Ms. Spears explained that the transponder is so tiny it can be inserted painlessly and is unfelt when it’s in place.

“The transponder contains two elements,” said Ms. Spears, “a silicon microchip and the passive coil to which it is connected. The chip and the coil, which functions as an antenna, are enclosed in a hermetically sealed tube made of biocompatible glass.

“The chip contains a unique, unalterable code that is transmitted in response to low-frequency radio waves emitted by a scanner and picked up by the chip’s antenna. That code, once it has been read by the scanner and located in a computer database, can be used to identify the lost husband and return him to his home.”

Despite Ms. Spears’ endorsement of microchippingwhich adds only $25 to the cost of a routine physicalsome of her peers in the entertainment industry are opposed to the idea.

Actor Charlie Sheen called microchipping “an inappropriate extension of government bureaucracy, a companion piece to the 9/11 coverup conspiracy that threatens the freedom of all Americans.

“Responsible women take care of their husbands,” said Mr. Sheen. “Irresponsible women don’t.”

In other news, Nicole Richie told Vanity Fair that she realizes she is too thin and she is “looking into” ways to gain weight. Ms. Richie revealed that she is weighed by an assistant once a week but never inquires after the results because “numbers mean nothing to me.”


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