We Need To Talk About Madonna’s “Meltdown”

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If Madonna has learned one thing in life… it’s just go with it.

F–k, f–k, f–k yeah Madonna is refreshingly candid and unscripted in her recent Rebel Heart shows in Australia, but if the blogosphere has anything to say about it, it’s she is a boozy, washed-up hag who’s crying about the downside of fame and the custody battle between her and Guy Richie. By the way, she’s 57-years-old, they like to remind you of that constantly.

After performing her one-off, intimate show Tears Of A Clown in Melbourne last week, where she sang some of her biggest hits as a literal clown, Madonna had unknowingly created dozens of sensationalized, ageist stories where she appeared unstable. The word of the day was “meltdown.”


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Previous to Rebel Heart, Madonna hasn’t toured Australia in over 20 years, so needless to say she was giving her die-hard fans their money’s worth. In her Clown show, Madonna rode a tricycle, falling over, apparently words slurred, eyes crazed and admitted she “messed up.” “You would think it was in my DNA,” she said.

The drinking narrative continued through to Sunday’s main show in Melbourne when the “Ghosttown” singer gabbed to the audience like how I picture her shooting the breeze with her closest girl friend over some tequila. She thoughtlessly shouted things like “Please, someone f–k me. I’m just kidding. I don’t have to ask for that” and called her ex a “son of a bitch.”

Her moment of authenticity was not applauded, it was muddied into tabloid fodder to pursue a sexist agenda that she’s a bitter, crazy old woman and it’s bullshit.




It’s time to set the record straight thanks to the help of the Daily Telegraph, who clears the air regarding her alleged meltdowns. According to them…

■ Madonna was not drunk, the liquid in the flask and tequila bottle at the shows was water.
The two hour event is choreographed to the millisecond. Any wrong move or wrong cue could result in a serious accident. Madonna needs to be physically the right spot on the right cue to magically drop under the stage or swing over the crowd or — because it’s a Madonna concert — pole dance on a crucifix surrounded by nuns in lingerie.

■ The f–k me remark was a joke.
[On her] “Someone please f— me” remark, one of many sexually-charged jokes during all her shows that follows moments where she gets ‘married’ on stage or comments on the phallic shape of her catwalk.

■ She’s human.
At her show on Sunday, when she came on stage at 10.30pm, she admitted to the audience she wasn’t having a great day and began the show in a bad mood — but performing soon cured that.

We criticize our pop stars for conforming to an ideal, then destroy them when they break free from it. As Madonna put it best on Sunday, if you relax… it doesn’t hurt as much.



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