New National Enquirer

This update literally took me all day to do. No really, all day.

The last thing I wanted to do after ditching classes today was to get out of bed, stand in line behind 500 old people at the supermarket and buy this week's fucking tabloids, but I love you bitches, so I did anyway.

Britney is featured as the cover story in the latest issue of the National Enquirer. I know what you're thinking: "Why would I want to read this shit?" Because you know secretly deep down you enjoy it. Probably not even that deep down, either.

The issue claims Britney is in a "panic" over stolen journals and video interviews "done during some of the darkest days of her life," said an insider. "She wants so desperately to tell her side for her boys, so there is a written record for them when they are grown and can understand better."

Tidbits:

Britney hears voices in her head - and answers them!
"Britney writes she has heard voices talking to her for years. She still hears them, and they tell her to run away and hide."

The real reason Britney shaved her head:
"...She was out of her head at the time and was suffering from delusions. She believed that someone had planted an electronic bug in her hair and couldn't think of a way to get rid of i except to have her head shaved!"

Justin Timberlake's heartbreak over her pregnancy - and the guilt from her abortion:
"Justin was crushed when Britney told him she had an abortion. She said Justin was really hurt.

Britney never intended to divorce Kevin:
"She just wanted to show Kevin who was boss. She still loves Kevin, and she wants her boys to know that.

Lawsuit: What really happened the night Britney took her child hostage:
"She was threatening: 'I'll kill the kids!' Out of her mind and wired on the drug methamphetamine, Britney refused to let her visiting sons Sean and Jayden return to Kevin."

The singer bares her soul:
"Britney wants to have closure and start fresh. Britney's gift to the boys is her truth."

Click below to view: