Halsey opens up about a troubling time during her initial surge to super stardom.
Halsey said to get through the performance, she wore adult diapers and took two Percocet before hopping on stage. "It's the angriest performance that I've ever done in my life," she continued. "That was the moment of my life where I thought to myself, 'I don't feel like a fucking human being anymore.' This thing, this music, Halsey, whatever it is that I'm doing, took precedence and priority over every decision that I made regarding this entire situation from the moment I found out until the moment it went wrong. I walked offstage and went into the parking lot and just started throwing up."
Halsey isn't sure why she had a miscarriage, but blames herself for it.
"I beat myself up for it because I think that the reason it happened is just the lifestyle I was living. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't doing drugs. I was fucking overworked – in the hospital every couple of weeks because I was dehydrated, needing bags of IVs brought to my greenroom. I was anemic, I was fainting. My body just broke the fuck down."
She admits no one forced her to perform, but there was an inherent pressure to carry on. "I had a choice," but regrets it.
The writer describes Halsey looking off into the distance during their interview at Central Park – watching a few children playing. "I want to be a mom more than I want to be a pop star. More than I want to be anything in the world." Later, she says, "I'm really scared of being alone. I'm not trying to upset you," she says softly. "I'm really sorry."